There was a trend, or should I say, a topic, in my university’s group. It was a topic closely related to many, especially to those who are grown-ups. It is something we never worried about in the past, but ultimately have to face.
Young man, why are you reluctent to sleep?
When I was at kindergarten, I never worried about not having enough sleep, or loss of sleep. Sleeping quality, at that time, to me, it was like something very trivial, something you don’t need to discuss about or even put on mind. Why bothering thinking about sleep quality? I shall just lie down and then, boom, I fall into sleep.
But it is never the case again as I grow up.
What was it that stole my dream? I shall not know. Maybe it is the anxiety for not being good enough, though I know one shall never become “good enough”, but the anxiety haunts. Was it the competition among peers? The selections, or admissions? Probably none of them, or all of them. I don’t know. The thing I observe now is simply that I can never fall asleep before 12A.M. And a lot of my peers face the same problem.
Why, why? I am afraid of falling asleep, maybe because I know I couldn’t finish something should I truly fall asleep. I was, and I am afraid of failures. These things are like nightmares, you can only feel them but never get rid of them. They rooted deeply in our heart from thousands of years ago, and our ancestors benefited from these mechanisms. But obviously, our biological body wasn’t evolving as fast as our mindsets and society.
I still recall when I was in the mountains with no Wi-Fi connections nor any access to the external world, but only the company of stars and galaxies. I was able to fall asleep at 8P.M. How was it so?
Maybe it was due to the phone. I don’t know, but as soon as I got back access to Internet, some sort of great stress overwhelmed me. I felt like there are a lot of people below me, and there are a lot of people above me. I was in the middle and can hardly move. Everyone was positioned somewhere in the society, and there wasn’t really much room for you to stretch your body.
Time, and Time, and Time.
Last time I started to write a post titled
time, time, but I found it hard to start on the topic. It’s simply too broad, and I don’t know where to start. But it is a topic everyone must face, sooner or later. In the naive times, we don’t really care about time. The only thing we care about was to play, and play, and play. During adolescence, maybe we started to pay attention to time, but we enjoy time, instead of fear it.
Time gives us everything, and it takes everything. Death is an unavoidable topic for every individual, and death is about time. When you were young, you thought you still have a lot of time to spend with your grandparents. Now you are getting older, and you started to fear. Fear that one day they’ll just leave you, without saying a goodbye.
I started to fear. And I fear a lot more than before.
And therefore I started to be grateful. Being grateful was something I long neglected in the past, and only until recent years did I realize how naive I was. I try to spend more time with my family, watching them becoming older, and I literally can do nothing about it. I hate the powerlessness I am feeling, and I know I have to learn to accept it. It is also about learing to accept myself.
Someday, my grandparents will leave me. Someday, my parents will leave me. Someday, I will leave my children. That is nature iteration, and I cannot avoid it.
No one can avoid it.
I tried not to be too emotional, but thinking of these things made me nostalgic. And here comes another question:
Why are people always retrospective?
Maybe it is because, we only value things that are gone. We learn happiness from losing things.
Fear, fear for dying of the light.
I don’t know what to put for my current feelings. It is strange. I feel calm, mixed with sorrow, and a slice of satisfaction.
I don’t really write sentences that are very logical, except for my technical posts. They require logics, and I don’t worry about them. They are more or less certain. If a CPU tells you 1 + 1 = 2, then 1 + 1 = 2. No other possibilities. Otherwise, you might want to return your CPU to the manufacturer because it is literally malfunctioning.
Sometimes I feel I am strong, but sometimes I also feel I am not strong enough. These feelings teared me up, and they shall continue tearing me.
From time to time, I think about whatifs. What if I chose another major at that moment? What if I chose to stay in my hometown? What if I …?
Nonsense. These ain’t going to happen.
But I kept thinking, and tears down.
But that’s life. Like it or not, it is valuable because it is yours, and yours only.
It’s some peanut jam with bitter and sweet taste. I am going to put a full spoon in my mouth now.
Thank you for reading until this part. I wasn’t really sure about what I was going to write, so I decided to write as is. I do not want to think too much to de-construct my emotions. That ain’t going to tell me what to do in the future. These words might be unreasonable to you, and I am pretty sure when I revisit this post tomorrow, I am going to regret it because those words literally read like some complaining nonsense from a paychopath.
But these are the true feelings I had.
I am not sure if I am ready for these great events and turnings in my life, but time ain’t wainting. So I guess, I will try to prepare myself.
To whom read until this part, toast to you. May the sun shine upon us tomorrow. And yeah, good evening.